Regrets For My Old Dressing Gown

Tales From Malaysia - Viva USA

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 17:46:33 -0800

It’s been a while since I have tickled the ivories of the keyboard but stay with me. Its been a crazy couple of days. Since the internet and my mind aren’t traveling at the same pace I’ve listed some highlights below.

1. My flight was awesome. Got a whole row to myself and stretched out for 16 hours. Landing in Taipei I realized not only had they begun construction since last time Matthew and I blew in but EVERY SIGN was in Chinese. That is honestly awesome, if you speak Chinese. I managed to find my gate after walking two miles without seeing a single soul. I then text Amanda who said if the children start coming out to look for an exit. I landed in KL (MY MOTHER WAS ON TIME!) and it was a beautiful 90 degrees.

2. I went through customs behind the passengers of Air Kuwait who not only were all wearing burkas but kept complimenting my purse thus proving that even in the middle east, I can hang.

3. The Malay people (Chinese, Indian, Sri Lankan and the native Malays) have all been very excited about the election of Obama. Between strangers saying GO OBAMA or YES WE DID and the endless stores selling VIVA USA shirts - it is honestly refreshing and heartwarming to see that my country is slowing turning around.

4. On that note, as Malayasia is a Muslim country the national mosque has a huge Anti-American banner (about five stories hight) asking to boycott American products such as Coca Cola, Subway, KFC, McDonalds and all American clothing lines in light of the Gaza. Not only is the sign bigger than you can imagine it is right next to a an even bigger picture (about 10 stories) of a dead little girl in ruble. Words cannot even describe and I will not disgrace this poor child any further. So in a country that is overwhelmingly happy for our nation there is still obvious discord and anger.

5. Mom and I have been eating the best food ever. Suck it!

6. The Nepalese soilders that guard my mothers place salute us British style every time we come and go. It has become not only ironic but very uncomfortable as mom and I keep thinking of Benny Hill.

7. For the first time in my life (WAIT FOR IT!) I was able to purchase jeans from a store without getting them in petite or having to have them altered. I am considered average height here.

8. On that note, my feet are appearantly bigger than Shaq’s (for the record I wear a 7 or a 7 1/2) and when I tell people my size they look at me as if I have scurvy. Then laugh. Then walk away. Its a beautiful dance I must say.

9. I’ve had a bunch of people take photos with me. I AM HUGE in KL and world domination is at hand.

10. More people have asked me about Chris Brown and Rhianna then my opinions on Gaza. They also like to sing me lyrics just so I know who they are talking about. Nothing better than a group of Malays singing S.O.S or Disturbia.

Love and miss you all. Truly.

EDITORS NOTE: Sorry if there are typos and it is horrible. Writing on a very weird keyboard and trying to get it online with an internet slower than Time Warner.

(via rebeccalbrown) A typical conversation between cabs and...

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 11:48:53 -0800

(via rebeccalbrown)

A typical conversation between cabs and myself.

Fahey has the coolest friends. But not as cool as the...

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 13:28:57 -0800

Fahey has the coolest friends. But not as cool as the Swayze’s.

Photo

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 13:24:06 -0800

The Day The Music Died

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 15:29:09 -0800

Fifty years gone by so fast.

A long, long time ago…
I can still remember
How that music used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people dance
And, maybe, theyd be happy for a while.

But february made me shiver
With every paper Id deliver.
Bad news on the doorstep;
I couldnt take one more step.

I cant remember if I cried
When I read about his widowed bride,
But something touched me deep inside
The day the music died.

So bye-bye, miss american pie.
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And them good old boys were drinkin whiskey and rye
Singin, thisll be the day that I die.
Thisll be the day that I die.

Did you write the book of love,
And do you have faith in God above,
If the Bible tells you so?
Do you believe in rock n roll,
Can music save your mortal soul,
And can you teach me how to dance real slow?

Well, I know that youre in love with him
`cause I saw you dancin in the gym.
You both kicked off your shoes.
Man, I dig those rhythm and blues.

I was a lonely teenage broncin buck
With a pink carnation and a pickup truck,
But I knew I was out of luck
The day the music died.

Now for ten years weve been on our own
And moss grows fat on a rollin stone,
But thats not how it used to be.
When the jester sang for the king and queen,
In a coat he borrowed from james dean
And a voice that came from you and me,

Oh, and while the king was looking down,
The jester stole his thorny crown.
The courtroom was adjourned;
No verdict was returned.
And while lennon read a book of marx,
The quartet practiced in the park,
And we sang dirges in the dark
The day the music died.

Helter skelter in a summer swelter.
The birds flew off with a fallout shelter,
Eight miles high and falling fast.
It landed foul on the grass.
The players tried for a forward pass,
With the jester on the sidelines in a cast.

Now the half-time air was sweet perfume
While the sergeants played a marching tune.
We all got up to dance,
Oh, but we never got the chance!
`cause the players tried to take the field;
The marching band refused to yield.
Do you recall what was revealed
The day the music died?

Oh, and there we were all in one place,
A generation lost in space
With no time left to start again.
So come on: jack be nimble, jack be quick!
Jack flash sat on a candlestick
Cause fire is the devils only friend.

Oh, and as I watched him on the stage
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.
No angel born in hell
Could break that satans spell.
And as the flames climbed high into the night
To light the sacrificial rite,
I saw satan laughing with delight
The day the music died

I met a girl who sang the blues
And I asked her for some happy news,
But she just smiled and turned away.
I went down to the sacred store
Where Id heard the music years before,
But the man there said the music wouldnt play.

And in the streets: the children screamed,
The lovers cried, and the poets dreamed.
But not a word was spoken;
The church bells all were broken.
And the three men I admire most:
The father, son, and the holy ghost,
They caught the last train for the coast
The day the music died.

And they were singing,
Bye-bye, miss american pie.
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And them good old boys were drinkin whiskey and rye
Singin, thisll be the day that I die.
Thisll be the day that I die.

The One Thing You'll Never Hear Me Brag About

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 14:27:45 -0800

Since only my friends, family and people my friends and family pay read this blog, it is no secret that I am addicted to Maury Povich paternity shows. It isn’t as bad as my Duggar addiction, but it could be labeled hazardous to my health.

Since the shows come on twice daily in LA, I am able to tape these segments of glory and watch them back to back. It is sad and good to be me. Where am I going with this?

On today’s show a young lady took a paternity and lie detector test (OH! DOUBLE WHAMMY!) to not only prove that Darion fathered her son but that she “had sex with him without a condom.” When the results proved to Darion and his wife that yes, Chandra had indeed had sex with this man she barely knew without a condom and bore a child all she kept saying was “I told you I wasn’t lying. I got your man to have sex with me without protection!” To which his lovely wife kept saying “SO!SO!I have sex with him without a condom everynight!”

I don’t need to state the obvious. I don’t need to mention how pathetic these women (and I use this term loosely) are acting or how disgusting these men act. YEAH, unprotected sex! WHOO-HOO bringing children into the world without stability, love and/or a caring family. High-five that my husband cheats on me and I could potentially get a life-threatening disease. Sometimes I watch the show and make wonderful arguments on forced sterilization.

Which leads me to the hard question: Who is more despicable? These leeches on society or me for watching?

Gotta go. Michelle is about to find out if Casey is the father of her triplets.

Let’s file this under “who the hell cares?”

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 13:57:13 -0800

Let’s file this under “who the hell cares?”

Damn You, Amy Grant Song in Grocery Store

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 13:51:18 -0800

Me: Are you and KK working together later?

Matthew: Yep.

I go back to my book, Matthew goes back to computer. A minute later.

Matthew: Did she used to be a gospel singer?

Me: KAREN?! Why would you ask that?

Matthew: No, Amy Grant.

Secret Mondays. Pills and booze. If you don’t watch this...

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 11:49:38 -0800

Secret Mondays. Pills and booze. If you don’t watch this ENTIRE video you are missing out on everything that is grand in the world.

Amanda Hallman uncovered it. Buy her beef and pickle tacos in gratitude.

Alexander McQueen Spring 2009 LOVE slingbacks. Come to me my...

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 20:08:47 -0800

Alexander McQueen Spring 2009 LOVE slingbacks.

Come to me my precious. I will hold you and love you and never stumble drunk with you on my feet.

My Peeps

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 15:10:54 -0800

Actually my parents.

They have a really awesome website that is all things anime. Check it out, sign up for the newsletter and keep it in the family.

Love.

The Tentacle Couple

This exact image of The Baldwin comes onscreen and the first...

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 10:40:20 -0800

This exact image of The Baldwin comes onscreen and the first thing that dances through my cluttered head is “wow, his date is actually hot. Baldwin has quit doing trashy.”

Then the announcer says “Mr. Baldwin, what do you think about taking your daughter as your date tonight?” Wait…what? Seriously. Did I just — instantly start rewinding television to make sure I heard the announcer correctly.

Nope. I was right the first time. This lovely 13-year-old girl is his DAUGHTER. I felt a little vomit in my mouth for thinking she was “hot” - no girl at 13 is hot. She is pretty or beautiful or going to be a looker but one should never use the phrase hot unless they’re over 18.

Then I was shocked that she looked so… so… so freaking mature. The long perfect hair, the Black Halo cut-out dress, the Dior heels, the confident sneer. Who are you Ireland Baldwin and where did they make such youth perfection?

When I was thirteen I was convinced that braces were the bane of my existence. My breasts were too large for my body causing me to wear baggy shirts in dreaded fear of bra-snapping day. I didn’t know how to apply my makeup so it usually looked like a mix of drag-queen-starlet meets country bumpkin. My mother once called it “garish in that adolescent way.” She then promptly had a make-up artist come to the house and show me how to do it correctly. I can’t remember if I am a “winter” or a “summer” but at least know with certainty that I am not a tranny. Lets not get started on my hair - really lets not - because it involves bangs and hairspray and I would rather show you my current jean size then my past bangstravaganza.

Ireland Baldwin, youth is wasted on the young. Throw your hair in a ponytail, wear jeans that have paint on them from art class, go see a horror movie with a boy you fancy WHO doesn’t have a drivers license. Get excited about winter formals and homecomings and all those dances that you (in all your 13-year-old glory) hate.

There is plenty of time to be arm-candy or racy or on TMZ. There is but a small window to be a child and the realization of that as a teenager will be one of your most heartbreaking days.

"Buzzing the Wall at 100 mph"

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 10:04:33 -0800

This is insane and glorious.

Wait until about 1:30 or 2:00 minutes when they start touching the wall while flying.

Thanks Cole!

50,000 Jobs Lost In ONE DAY!

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 12:26:00 -0800

Seriously? I can’t even be witty or sarcastic. This morning has been unbelievable.

Home Depot, ING, Sprint, Pfizer, etc., all laid off numerous employees this morning. The corporate ladder is firewood at the moment and everyone is getting burned.

Thoughts and wishes to all who are victims.

Tsk, Tsk, J-Simp. Sticking your tongue out at me? Waving your...

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 12:16:16 -0800

Tsk, Tsk, J-Simp. Sticking your tongue out at me? Waving your arms in a victory salute? You should know better.

Oh ye of Texas childhood should KNOW that highwaisted jeans don’t work on girls with curves or weight on their bones or a ribcage or sternum that isnt showing. I am not calling you fat, Jessie. I’m not going to say that you look like washed-up Vegas version of Carrie Underwood. I am not, repeat NOT going to beg you to loosen your double leopard print belt.

You sang with BUFFALO WINGS for god sakes, you married a guy whose claim to fame is a temperature band, you overcame a divorce and are a poster child for severing ties with your overzealous father. YOU ARE A GROWN WOMAN!

Act like it. Stick your tongue back in your mouth, buy some jeans that fit and for the love of spray tan and Johnny Knoxville - just be yourself. Or at least be who ever your newly hired stylist (seriously, get one) wants you to be.

Reason 487 Why Amanda is My Roomie

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 11:58:31 -0800

For those of you who have never been to my pad, we have an extremely long driveway. This is a wonderful addition during parties and other social gatherings but the early morning car shuffle isn’t always fun. Especially if you’ve had champagne and turkey tacos the previous night. Or if the dog next door has come in and shat in your driveway. Or if you’re running late for work, dive into the car and quickly realize you forgot your cell. Or if you open the car door only to find Baxter in the front seat.

I digress.

I open Amanda’s car to back out and in the front seat I spot:

1 DVD of Battle Royal

1 DVD of Suicide Kings

1 Box of Thank You Notes

Amanda fully personified in the front seat of a Honda. Well, minus a monologue book or cup of ice.

Someone Got a Facelift

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 11:46:57 -0800

And it looks ever so nice.

Send her your thoughts, comments, rants and photos of Uggs.

The Obamas do WHAT together? What until about nine seconds.

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 12:55:20 -0800

The Obamas do WHAT together? What until about nine seconds.

Where for art thou Balkie?

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 12:02:28 -0800

Where for art thou Balkie?

Photo

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 11:59:27 -0800