My Peeps

Actually my parents. 

They have a really awesome website that is all things anime. Check it out, sign up for the newsletter and keep it in the family. 

Love. 

The Tentacle Couple

Jan 29 2009

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This exact image of The Baldwin comes onscreen and the first thing that dances through my cluttered head is “wow, his date is actually hot. Baldwin has quit doing trashy.”  Then the announcer says “Mr. Baldwin, what do you think about taking your daughter as your date tonight?” Wait…what? Seriously. Did I just — instantly start rewinding television to make sure I heard the announcer correctly.  Nope. I was right the first time. This lovely 13-year-old girl is his DAUGHTER.  I felt a little vomit in my mouth for thinking she was “hot” - no girl at 13 is hot. She is pretty or beautiful or going to be a looker but one should never use the phrase hot unless they’re over 18.  Then I was shocked that she looked so… so… so freaking mature. The long perfect hair, the Black Halo cut-out dress, the Dior heels, the confident sneer. Who are you Ireland Baldwin and where did they make such youth perfection? When I was thirteen I was convinced that braces were the bane of my existence. My breasts were too large for my body causing me to wear baggy shirts in dreaded fear of bra-snapping day. I didn’t know how to apply my makeup so it usually looked like a mix of drag-queen-starlet meets country bumpkin. My mother once called it “garish in that adolescent way.” She then promptly had a make-up artist come to the house and show me how to do it correctly. I can’t remember if I am a “winter” or a “summer” but at least know with certainty that I am not a tranny. Lets not get started on my hair - really lets not - because it involves bangs and hairspray and I would rather show you my current jean size then my past bangstravaganza.  Ireland Baldwin, youth is wasted on the young. Throw your hair in a ponytail, wear jeans that have paint on them from art class, go  see a horror movie with a boy you fancy WHO doesn’t have a drivers license. Get excited about winter formals and homecomings and all those dances that you (in all your 13-year-old glory) hate.   There is plenty of time to be arm-candy or racy or on TMZ. There is but a small window to be a child and the realization of that as a teenager will be one of your most heartbreaking days. 

This exact image of The Baldwin comes onscreen and the first thing that dances through my cluttered head is “wow, his date is actually hot. Baldwin has quit doing trashy.” 

Then the announcer says “Mr. Baldwin, what do you think about taking your daughter as your date tonight?” Wait…what? Seriously. Did I just — instantly start rewinding television to make sure I heard the announcer correctly. 

Nope. I was right the first time. This lovely 13-year-old girl is his DAUGHTER.  I felt a little vomit in my mouth for thinking she was “hot” - no girl at 13 is hot. She is pretty or beautiful or going to be a looker but one should never use the phrase hot unless they’re over 18. 

Then I was shocked that she looked so… so… so freaking mature. The long perfect hair, the Black Halo cut-out dress, the Dior heels, the confident sneer. Who are you Ireland Baldwin and where did they make such youth perfection?

When I was thirteen I was convinced that braces were the bane of my existence. My breasts were too large for my body causing me to wear baggy shirts in dreaded fear of bra-snapping day. I didn’t know how to apply my makeup so it usually looked like a mix of drag-queen-starlet meets country bumpkin. My mother once called it “garish in that adolescent way.” She then promptly had a make-up artist come to the house and show me how to do it correctly. I can’t remember if I am a “winter” or a “summer” but at least know with certainty that I am not a tranny. Lets not get started on my hair - really lets not - because it involves bangs and hairspray and I would rather show you my current jean size then my past bangstravaganza. 

Ireland Baldwin, youth is wasted on the young. Throw your hair in a ponytail, wear jeans that have paint on them from art class, go  see a horror movie with a boy you fancy WHO doesn’t have a drivers license. Get excited about winter formals and homecomings and all those dances that you (in all your 13-year-old glory) hate. 

 There is plenty of time to be arm-candy or racy or on TMZ. There is but a small window to be a child and the realization of that as a teenager will be one of your most heartbreaking days. 

Jan 27 2009

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"Buzzing the Wall at 100 mph"

This is insane and glorious.

Wait until about 1:30 or 2:00 minutes when they start touching the wall while flying. 

Thanks Cole!

10:04

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50,000 Jobs Lost In ONE DAY!

Seriously? I can’t even be witty or sarcastic. This morning has been unbelievable. 

Home Depot, ING, Sprint, Pfizer, etc., all laid off numerous employees this morning. The corporate ladder is firewood at the moment and everyone is getting burned.

Thoughts and wishes to all who are victims. 

Jan 26 2009

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Tsk, Tsk, J-Simp. Sticking your tongue out at me? Waving your arms in a victory salute? You should know better. Oh ye of Texas childhood should KNOW that highwaisted jeans don’t work on girls with curves or weight on their bones or a ribcage or sternum that isnt showing. I am not calling you fat, Jessie. I’m not going to say that you look like washed-up Vegas version of Carrie Underwood. I am not, repeat NOT going to beg you to loosen your double leopard print belt. You sang with BUFFALO WINGS for god sakes, you married a guy whose claim to fame is a temperature band, you overcame a divorce and are a poster child for severing ties with your overzealous father. YOU ARE A GROWN WOMAN! Act like it. Stick your tongue back in your mouth, buy some jeans that fit and for the love of spray tan and Johnny Knoxville - just be yourself. Or at least be who ever your newly hired stylist (seriously, get one) wants you to be. 

Tsk, Tsk, J-Simp. Sticking your tongue out at me? Waving your arms in a victory salute? You should know better.

Oh ye of Texas childhood should KNOW that highwaisted jeans don’t work on girls with curves or weight on their bones or a ribcage or sternum that isnt showing. I am not calling you fat, Jessie. I’m not going to say that you look like washed-up Vegas version of Carrie Underwood. I am not, repeat NOT going to beg you to loosen your double leopard print belt.

You sang with BUFFALO WINGS for god sakes, you married a guy whose claim to fame is a temperature band, you overcame a divorce and are a poster child for severing ties with your overzealous father. YOU ARE A GROWN WOMAN!

Act like it. Stick your tongue back in your mouth, buy some jeans that fit and for the love of spray tan and Johnny Knoxville - just be yourself. Or at least be who ever your newly hired stylist (seriously, get one) wants you to be. 

12:16

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Reason 487 Why Amanda is My Roomie

For those of you who have never been to my pad, we have an extremely long driveway. This is a wonderful addition during parties and other social gatherings but the early morning car shuffle isn’t always fun. Especially if you’ve had champagne and turkey tacos the previous night. Or if the dog next door has come in and shat in your driveway. Or if you’re running late for work, dive into the car and quickly realize you forgot your cell. Or if you open the car door only to find Baxter in the front seat.

I digress. 

I open Amanda’s car to back out and in the front seat I spot:

1 DVD of Battle Royal

1 DVD of Suicide Kings

1 Box of Thank You Notes

Amanda fully personified in the front seat of a Honda. Well, minus a monologue book or cup of ice. 

11:58

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Someone Got a Facelift

And it looks ever so nice.

Send her your thoughts, comments, rants and photos of Uggs. 

11:46

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The Obamas do WHAT together?  What until about nine seconds. 

Jan 22 2009

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Where for art thou Balkie?

12:02

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11:59

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